Thursday, December 20, 2007

Letter to God

Dear God,

I've been crying a lot lately. I worry too much about things that I can't change or can't control. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be able to think that everything will be okay instead of worrying about how hard things are.

Things WILL be okay. I just stress a lot, not for dumb reasons, but too much. What am I to do? How am I supposed to handle everything that I'm faced with now? I will continue to pray. Is it bad that I feel guilty for asking so much? I cannot do it without you. So God, hear my prayer now.

On another note, God, I ask that you bless all of my friends this Christmas. Friends that I've always been close to, those with whom our relationships have dwindled, people I no longer talk to, and those whom I talk to everyday. Bless my family, bless my love. Keep us all safe this christmas and let us not be selfish in wanting gifts. All I want is time with my family and my dear sweet love. I promise it is all I ask for. I don't want anyone to spend any money on me. I have no money with which to buy gifts for the people I love and this makes me cry. You know me, God.

And I love you.

Please hear my prayer, hear what is in my heart. Make me and my faith strong. Make me act as your son would. I want to make you proud.

Your humble daughter and servant,


Monday, December 3, 2007

Not so hot

Just finished my last exam before finals start tomorrow. It sucked very badly. What makes it worse is that the exam was over topics I've learned about. But the exam was on stupid nit-picky details that have nothing to do with the concept of the topic. I'm so frustrated right now. I am a little worried now... I was sitting at a B in the class, but if I do as poorly on this test as I feel... I will be very very sad.

That is all for now. Goodbye.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Solstice in secrets

I believe there are aspects of every person that are kept private. You
may know someone better than any other person on earth knows him or
here, but you will never know everything. Obviously, there may be
questions never asked or topics never talked about. But what about
those issues that are discussed or those areas he or she purposefully
never brings up? A person may, and most likely will, manipulate the
words he or she chooses to use so as to influence the way you think
about him or her.

I am guilty of asking, "What are you
thinking?". In fact, I believe that may be my favorite question. But
what if a person doesn't want to tell me what he or she is thinking and
just doesn't feel comfortable saying "I don't really care to tell you
my private thoughts." ?Hmmmn.

What brought this thought to me
was a dream I had last night. It was surreal but so real at the same
time. It was random and didn't make much sense to me. While I seriously
doubt, like most of my dreams, that it has any implications to the real world or says anything about
my subconscious, I don't really care to tell anyone about it. A peculiar attitude to have, I know, but really, I don't care. When I mentioned earlier that there are some things that people, no matter how close, will never know about you, I failed to mention that I think this is perfectly okay.

It is okay to keep some things to yourself. It is okay to not share EVERY aspect of your being. However, it is also okay to do the opposite and let that special person know whatever he or she wants to know. I guess its just a personal preference thing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Good song

Cory Morrow- Beat of Your Heart

I hear that you’re doing unwell
From your smile I could never tell
You open up the door and the world pours in
All of its problems, solutions and sins
Everybody seems to have a remedy
But there ain’t no remedy that’s ever gonna cure me

Take it while it comes ‘cause it don’t last long
Hesitate and the moment’s gone
Run in the rain and howl at the moon
Fall in love way too soon
Take my hand as the music starts
And we’ll dance to the beat of your heart

There’s a distance in your eyes
Seems you been looking for a place to hide
There’s nothing but love around you that might shine
But you can’t see for your cryin eyes
You stand in a crowd when you wanna be alone
You’re your own contradiction but you’re not alone

(Repeat Chorus)

You know you’ll stumble down that road
Trembling from the cold
But this heart and this love can save you
It can save you

(Repeat Chorus)

And we’ll dance to the beat of your heart (2x)

To the beat of your heart (2x)

Monday, November 26, 2007


I have a very important decision to make.

I am graduating- God willing- in May. Four months of school left.... AAHhhhh! The big decision I'm facing is where I'll work.

Do I want to stay where I am now or go home? I don't know that it'll matter all that much career-wise really, because either way, I'll have my degree and my licensure. I can work in an ICU/ER anywhere. But where to go?!

Here: bigger city= more things to do, little sister here, I love the hospital I already work at, bigger hospital= more experiences?, employee satisfaction is higher here

Home: mom and dad, little sister there too, Sam, work in the same ICU as my dad (that'd be cool), save more money

I really really don't know what I want to do. :sigh: Big decision to make in little time. Little time kind of meaning this week. Oh my. Pray for me please.

Monday, November 19, 2007

More than frustrating


What the heck does she want from me? Grrrr!!! I have a professor to whom I turn in some of my projects, and she is about to drive me crazy! I am more than a little perturbed at the moment, if you can't tell already. So, not that I'm making bad grades on the assignments she's grading, but I am upset with her grading methods. Perhaps I should be talking to her about this, but seeing as she is currently grading the last assignment I have in this course, I'll leave it to suffice myself with this temporary ranting session.

I did great on my first assignment, making a high A. :o) and this was me. However (and isn't this always the case?), on my following assignments she has dropped my grades to low A's. Now before you get the impression that I'm somewhat of a "penny-pincher" but with my grades (which I very well may be), I must explain. After my second grade dropped, I set an appointment with her for each of the following assignments. I finished my work early and had her read over it to get her opinions on what I should change, as she grades much differently than any other faculty I've had in past semesters.

Now what really gets me is that I'd finish everything ahead of time, go out of my way to come up to school on my days off to meet with her, get everything fixed just the way she suggested- just to get another low A. What the heck does she want?! Stuff like this frustrates me like nothing else... Ahhh! I'd go over nursing interventions with her to make sure they were specific enough (that's her biggest concern), and she'd tell me what to do to make them more specific. I'd sit there, RIGHT BESIDE HER, and fix it. Then later, when I turned it in, it was like I never met with her.

I need to stop thinking about this, I can feel my blood pressure rising. Haha, kidding, kidding. It does get to me though.

:sigh: I think I'll just finish my apple and go to class. Maybe I'll use the eliptical later today and get all the senseless stress out of me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Currently thinking...

1) 12-hour shifts somewhat suck
2) I appreciate grateful patients
3) I have the most amazing boyfriend
4) My legs feel like they are about to fall off
5) My boyfriend makes me feel so special
6) I got the ER elective!!
7) I love my sweet Samy <3

Monday, November 12, 2007

Just curious

Do you ever feel like someone is watching you? More than that, do you ever get the feeling that someone is following you (in any way)? Maybe that someone is learning about you without you knowing?

Weird? Maybe.

But occasionally, I feel like this.

On another note, I can't wait 'til Thursday! Sam is coming and we might go camping... if it's not too cold. I'm so excited!! I love to go camping with him. I like wake up to the amazingly good breakfast he's cooked on the back of his truck. He is so, so good to me <3 I love you Samy.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


I am sittig cross-legged on my sister's daybed trying to focus on finishing a paper that's due Monday. I have one page left and it's not too bad. I guess it's more of a story than a paper, but in my opinion, a paper is a paper.

I like this room a lot. There is a pink dresser that sits caddy-corner to the bed. The window is partially covered by a tapestry looking throw blanket. Next to the dresser is a sink-right-into oversized wicker lounge chair that is piled high with the clothes she decides not to wear. Next to the bed is a nightstand with a stereo that plays a never boring array of music. Her music ranges from oldies to classic rock to indie to christian to romantic Frank Sinatra/Josh Groban types. None of the furniture or bedding matches and everything has paint on it. There are random cut-outs of magazines taped to the wall along with paintings she's made and those we've found at garage sales. This room reminds me so much of my grandma.

I love my sisters. We are each different and similiar in our own ways. If I were to put one word to each of our styles, I would say I am "classic". Bianca is "laid-back" . Andrea's is "artsy."

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Marriage arrangements and super cool Christian videos

Wow, check out the article linked above. Amazing how much the world has changed.

And this is totally off-subject, but I ran across this video, and I liiike it :o)
The first of the two if probably my favorite video ever.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


Just finished working out, about to eat breakfast, and I feel SO good :o)

Monday, November 5, 2007

So random

So random, I know, but I found this and it made me wanna laugh :o)

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Next semester

It is so hard for me to believe that next semester will be my last for the next year or two. This semester is winding down, and it just hit me that I will be graduating, God willing, on May 17th. I will be walking the stage, signifying the completion of nursing school. It blows my mind.

Before I'm quite that far, I want to take an elective in ER nursing. I think I want to start out in an ICU after school but I'm also thinking of ER. I work there a lot as a nurse tech, and I love it. The only problem with taking this elective is that there are only 6 available spots. We have about 100 in our graduating class, maybe 25 or so interested in this course. We each have to write a summary of why we want to take the ER course and why we should be chosen for it. The instructor posted something today about how we will be working day and night shifts and we more than likely get opportunities for flight nursing in the trauma helicopters. I really really want it.

I think I'll spend a good amount of time writing that summary.

I've been rethinking being a CRNA, certified registered nurse anthesthetist. I just don't know. I think it'd be a great job with great pay, but I really feel like I'm a pretty good caregiver, and CRNA's only see the patients right before surgery and shortly thereafter. I wouldn't really get to know any of them unless complications necessitated the need for extended monitoring. Also, I might get kind of borded with it. They intubate the patient and begin anesthesia, but for the rest of the time they can just hang out, with the exception of monitoring vital signs occassionally- but even then, the monitor will beep if there's any cause for concern. From the 5 or so surgeries I've seen, I've seen them play solitare, surf the internet, play dj for the OR, talk on the phone, and do random bits of whatever they want to do. I personally think CRNA's are paid more for what they know to do in the event of an emergency than what they do in an everyday surgery. I'll keep thinking about this one...

Well, I should study since I guess I DO have to finish this semester and next before I think about graduating and making plans about grad school.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Psalms 16. 5-8

Today was a very rough day. As it concerns the issue of money I don't want to get into it really. I was actually going to blog earlier this evening, and already I had a title in mind... "A rare bit of pessimism". Well, I've had my share of tears this afternoon/evening, and I'd rather be done with that. I'm glad I waited to write.

Instead I'll write about what just happened to me. I wrote in my journal all about today and what happened, all the stressors I'm currently experiencing. For a while there, I was truly doubting my getting through this. I was about to call an old friend, one who would understand exactly what I'm going through right now, but right then Sam called. Just hearing his voice made me feel better. Later, when I got all worked up again, my sister and Sam calmed me down, and reassured me that one way or the other, everything will be okay. Well as I was writing in my journal, I flipped open to an earlier entry, and so it reads:

"April 16, 2007

'You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands. How wonderful are your gifts to me; how good they are! I praise the Lord, because he guides me, and in the night my conscience warns me.
I am always aware of the presence of the Lord; he is near, and nothing can shake me.'

Psalms 16.5-8"

Amen to that is all I can say.

I want...

to look pretty today.


Sunday, October 28, 2007


I spend the weekend at home. It was so nice. I always come back feeling recharged after I see my family, see my Samy. I see why I work so hard in school and at work. I see why this hectic life is worth is, namely working 12-hour shifts and then turning around to go to class a couple of hours later. It is sooo worth it when it gives me a paycheck that puts gas in my car so that I can go home again.

Yesterday was my adorable nephew's birthday... happy first birthday Trace!! His party was today. Little family gatherings that we have like this, or big ones like my family reunion, help me realize how happy I am with Sam. He accompanied my family and I today to Trace's party, and I can only say that I just love how he helps out with things. I don't have to ask him to help my dad or my brother, or anyone for that matter. If he sees that decorations need to be taken down, he'll start on them or should tables need to be cleaned, he grabs a washrag and starts cleaning. I love that this morning he was at my house bright and early to help get things together, and after he helped me do dishes and I went to go get ready, he helped my mom with a project she was working on for Trace. It was so cool to walk into the living room and see him holding a piece of wood for her while she put glue on it. I love him so much.

I love that my mom is such an AMAZING woman. I want to be like her one day. I don't know how she is always so giving of herself and is so eager to make us feel special. I love my mother. She is a great mom and grandma. My grandma would be proud of her. I can't wait until one day she does special things for my children... until I walk into the house one day and hear her say, "Dejalos, mija, " meaning "Leave them, I'll take care of it," and tell me to relax, taking the children from my arms so that I can rest a while. I admire my mother. She is my hero.

On another note, I recently checked out Jane Erye from the library. I've been wanting to read it for the longest time. Maybe I'll have a chance soon, though the upcoming weeks in my planner are marked with different colors, indicating meetings, quizzes, exams, projects, and papers due. Looks like I'll be exhaustably busy until the third week of November.

What is exciting, though, is that once I make it through Thanksgiving break, I'll have about 2 weeks to finish this semester. Then one more to go... and that... that is awesome :o)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


So today/night I took care of a patient who made me realize how very blessed I am. She is a very young teenager who just got into a rollover accident. She is currently semi-paralyzed but is gaining mobility every day. About a week ago, a pediatric neurosurgeon placed a metal rod in her back that will be there for the rest of her life. Her attitude was amazing and her will power commanded the upmost respect.

It was an awesome feeling to bond with her in the short time that we spent together. At first, I could tell that she had her doubts about me, I can only assume it was because I am so young. But as time progressed, she began to trust me, and toward the end of my shift she was asking me if I could be her nurse tomorrow. It was quite flattering.

I love what I do. She wasn't eating too well at all. She would only drink protein shakes. I talked with her and convinced her to eat a little for lunch, and for dinner, she had a full meal. Making little differences like that make me feel like I'm doing something useful with my time. I love love love to help people.

While I feel extremely tired right now, I'm trying to imagine how she felt going through rehab today and the 2hour long process of taking a shower and getting ready for bed, and it makes my minor aches and tiresome attitude seem miniscule. I will work on my concept map tonight... I will be productive.

Thank you God, for the gift of good health.

Monday, October 22, 2007

A tribute to great friends

I have a friend. Well, more than one, but only a few very close and great friends... friends who know the real me. This is for one great friend in particular. This blog is to him and all my close friends.

Thank you, for hanging out with me. For allowing me to feel comfortable around you, for letting me tell you things that I couldn't tell just any friend. There's a level of trust a person has to establish with others before he lets himself be known to others. Although we don't see each other often, at all in fact, when we do hang out, I know that I can tell you stuff without any need to worry that you'll betray my trust. I can tell you things that I fear to tell others for fear of what they would think of me, because I know you won't judge me. Instead you offer advice and help me out. Sometimes, its advice I don't quite expect or want to hear, but you tell me anyway. I like that :o)

I think you are really really cool, and I just want to say thanks so much for being my friend and for valuing the friendship we have.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I know, I know...

I'm a pic-a-holic! But still... pics from this weekend... I'm home!!

Ahha! Samy was acting like my glasses made him cross-eyed :o)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Our plate

I got our plate back yesterday! It's sooo pretty! I reckon Samy and I make a pretty great team after all ;0) I'm so happy- this was one of the best dates ever!

Monday, October 15, 2007


Do you ever catch yourself wondering how much life changes? Yes, I am talking to you.

At one moment you are as hopeful and blissful as life allows, and then things turn to shit. I am not speaking of my life as it currently stands, because I couldn't be happier :o) Earlier, though, I was looking at an old post I had on facebook, and I was reminded of where I was a year ago today. I wrote a note because I was depressed... I didn't quite know what it was that was making me feel that way when I'd once been so happy and it was all lost. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad- well, actually I knew then, but I couldn't figure out why things changed.

Now, I see that God had a bigger plan for me. Even when I doubted Him with all the "why?"s and "how will I go on?"s, He knew. My God is such an awesome and loving God. He knows me better than I do myself- and He knew, when I didn't, what I need. He knew what would make me happy, but more than happy, He knew what would give me joy. He answered my prayers and gave me so much more than I could ever have hoped for. I am happier than I have ever been in my life... truly and completely happy. My soul is at peace and I wish for nothing but love and happiness for all those who have been a part of my life, meaning you. I hope all of you are at peace wherever you are, and if you find that peace has not yet found you, keep praying... keep your head up, keep picking up the pieces, and find encouragement in God, for in Him is the peace that everyone spends their lives searching.

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Last night and today were especially important to me. Several events took place which made me realize just how blessed I am to have my sweet Sam. I have come to believe, with great care and undoubtable evidence that he loves me. He truly, truly loves me... for me. He takes me as I am and judges me not. He motivates me to work harder, listens to me complain, holds my hand, soothes me when I feel sick. He sends me sweet text messages just because, gives me flowers, stares into my eyes until we're interupted and longer, holds me so safe in his arms. He assures me that no matter what happens in life with school, family, work, money, stress... he will be here for me, as I will for him, that there's little in this world he wouldn't do for me. He is honest with me no matter what the circumstance and makes it easy to talk to him about anything and everything- and we do. He lets me know each and every second that we are together or on the phone that he loves me unconditionally- in the touch of his hand on mine, in the intensity of his eyes when they meet mine, in the sweet and caring sound of his voice.

He is my Sam, and I love him. I love him for having been my best friend for four years now, for having always been by my side, for having forgiven me for wrongdoings, for understanding me when it feels like almost no one else does. I love him for having listened to me cry through all of the roughest parts of my life, when I felt like my heart was broken and I could never love anyone ever again, when I hurt others and felt like the worst person on earth. I love him for loving me enough to give me time and space when I needed it, for standing on the sidelines and being the best friend I needed. I love him because he loves my family, because he is so willing to learn about what and why I believe what I believe, because he tries...

I love him because his happiness is my happiness and my happiness is his.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

Appreciable exhaustion

Wow, this week has been incredibly hectic:

M: med-surgII exam
T: research exam, work 7p-7a
W: sleep til 12, clinical 2-10p
Th: meetings starting at 10a, class til 430, meeting til 5, dinner, nap, work 11p-7a
F: sleep til 12, clinical 2-10p

and here I am... :sigh: a very stressful yet productive week.

All in all, I feel pretty dang good. Exhausted but good. I want to fall on my bed and sleep til the Tech vs. A&M game tomorrow, but I have the urge to clean my room. It's pretty messy, and I haven't cleaned it well in- well, I can't remember. I've been working/clinicaling/studying/testing too much. I shall clean.

Tech is gonna kick ass tomorrow!

Monday, October 8, 2007

I.V. League update

Tonight we were dominated. 28-6

No es bueno.

Playoffs next week... umm, I'm not quite sure that'll turn out.

A pic of the team -note: these are NOT our happy faces after total domination :(

Blogging is my form of procrastination

:sigh: I should sooo be studying right now.

That aside, this weekend was everything I needed it to be. Samy came and we had a really great day Saturday. We went to this really cool arts and crafts place and painted pottery. It was so cool :o) We always have have so much fun together.

We also saw Mr. Woodcock. It was pretty funny. I liked it at least. One of those goofy, take nothing from it kind of movies. Oh well, we had fun. We also went to a park/veterans memorial and read from our novel. It is getting really really good!

I want to write more, but I will be a good student and study a little more before my first medsurg II exam @ 5. AHHhhhh! Before I leave though, here are pics from this weekend.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Football and sandals

Had another football game tonight- but I played like crap. Oh well, it was fun. Just a game right? I'm on two teams now :) so that's pretty exciting. One for nursing (we're the I.V. League... cute huh?) and the other just a bunch of friends. I find that while I'm not a great football player, I'm getting better and better! My throwing has improved tremendously, especially when I'm on my all girls team (less rushing= less pressure). Hopefully I'll be playing QB on both teams occassionally, so that'll be fun. I've realized lately how excited I am about sports. I ABSOLUTELY love to play sports!!!! I will probably be playing slowpitch softball when I'm fifty. Seriously.

I'm excited... (maybe I say that too much- but I truly am a very happy person)... that Samy's coming tommorrow!! I could really use a hug right now, butI need a shower so badly. I smell like dirt and sweat :-/

I need to start studying for my first Med-Surg II exam. It is going to be so friggin' hard. Tonight, after Sam reads to me, I'm going to the lobby or library to study. I have to. Six weeks of info crammed into one exam. CRAP!! Luckily, my advanced pharmacology exam and concept map are moved to next next week. :sigh: That will make life so much better. Only med-surg and nursing research exams next week.

Random, but I think I want to buy myself something that I recently found, these super-duper cool sandals. However, because I recently got two tickets, one for speeding and the other for stupidly running a red light (ha!), I am having to practice delayed self-gratification. It'll be worth it I think ;)

Anyway, I need to shower...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Why is it that I feel tired right now? I worked, yes, but so does every second person in this world. Maybe it's not so much that I feel tired as slightly unmotivated. I need to work on a concept map and get that bit of my research paper done, but I don't want to! I want to read Ender's Game. I am close to 75-100 pages away from finishing it, and I want to finish it tonight. It's sooo good. I want to listen to Samy read to me all night. I want to write without forming new paragraphs. I want to play catch with my sister and not feel like I should be doing something else.

I want a friend back. I miss her. I miss that we were very close at one time... that I knew what she was thinking most of the time when we were together. That we used to have sleepovers and laugh at silly moments. I miss knowing her. But I guess people change over time, make new priorites. We grow apart and make new friends and find new interests. I understand. That's part of growing up. I just wish that things didn't have to change so much. It makes me sad to think about it.

But Miranda, no one gets what they want all the time.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Finally caught up... kind of

So I just finished my clinical journal entry, made quite a bit of progress on my concept map, and washed/dried and folded a load of laundry. I have yet to put it up, though. While I didn't get as much done today as I'd hoped, I was still between moderately and very productive. I even worked out... something I haven't done in a month-ish.

I'm a little tired. Work tomorrow 7a-3p. But, no class or other engagements, so I can come home and nap a little and then start on my concept map some more. I also need to work on my part of a group research paper. So much to do!

As if I'm not busy enough, I'm thinking about joining another organization. Its called Face Aids. Sounds pretty cool actually. Its mostly about raising awareness about the Aids pandemic at a local level and funds to support families around the world who've been affected by this horrible disease. Sounds more than worth my time and efforts. God has blessed me so much. 'Tis about time I do something to bless others.

Time to go... leisure reading then sleep :o)

Friday, September 21, 2007

bless fridays and time for a haircut

I get to see Samy today!!

So strange, I'm not used to capitalizing anything in a blog. It's something new I'm trying out, as well as blogspot. I've had xanga for a very long time, and I just felt like something new.

Football was pretty fun last night. I was QB in several plays. One I crapped up pretty badly, and the other was pretty cool..... a 35-40 yard pass received and run for a touchdown. I absolutely love to play sports. Anything that keeps me active. Well, except tennis and golf. Those are particularly my sports. Ha, that's an understatement.

Alas, it is Friday, and I've got 8 hours of clinical and then I get to see my sweet, sweet Samy. It is also payday! I am
so excited!! I also need a haircut today. I haven't had one since May :( No bueno. I guess I should get to it, so I bid you adieu, my good friends.