Saturday, July 12, 2008

Where I'd like to be...

Friday, July 11, 2008


Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where your emotions were completely split? I don't mean torn in two directions in the decision-making sense. I mean you felt two emotions so wholly and immensely, yet they were so completely opposite.

I have done some very good things in my life. And I have done some things I'm not proud of at all. The thing I most regret is that my actions have caused others to hurt with an intensity I still cannot fathom.

I look back on my short-lived life and realize that...

...that I have seriously, seriously hurt several people. Of their forgiveness I am truly undeserving, and I understand and accept that. While, in some instances, there were circumstances at hand that I could not control, I certainly could have responded differently. In hindsight, I now see how incredibly selfish I was. I am so sorry. I was not mature enough to think about the repercussions of my actions, and I certainly was not as open to the wise advice of others as was given me.

My God, forgive me for the pain I've caused these people, the anguish I've put in their hearts. I have not yet forgiven myself for what I've done, and while I've confessed it to You on numerous occasions, I know I will not feel that forgiveness until I can forgive myself. Lord, please help me. Help me to feel your love. Help those I've hurt to accept my sincerest apologies and deepest regrets. Help me to learn from the vast mistakes I've made, and most of all, please help me to be most like You.

While I couldn't be happier in the relationship I am currently in, I fear I lack a part of me as a result of this pain I have in me from the pain I've inflicted in others. I need to let go, to forgive myself. Of that, I'm really just not that sure I can do. God help me.

I just have so many reminders, and it is incredibly difficult to overcome them at times. I will continue to try. I will continue to pray. But KNOWING that I have broken three hearts...

One, at least, I know, has forgiven me. Another I'm pretty sure, but still doubt on occassion. And the other... well.. I just don't know. I think I'm probably the most vile person, though he'd never say that... perhaps his family would. I come here, humbled, knowing I have wronged you. And I ask for your forgiveness. Yes, I have done so before and meant it whole-heartedly then, but I still do not feel forgiven. I still feel your pain though we never speak. I am sorry.

I don't even know if you'll read this... probably not. But know that you will always be dear to my heart and one of the best persons my life has ever known. Though we've grown apart, to say it lightly, and our once passionate and devoted love has morphed into a friendship, I will always love you as my dear, dear friend. I wish you the very best in life and the very best love has to offer. I hope you find a girl who astouonds you in grace, beauty, and an immeasurable reciprocity of love for you. I thank you for all that you have done for me and my family. You just don't know how blessed I am to know you. Again, I ask your forgiveness, and hope you know that I will always be your friend. God bless you...

All my love,